Even more Olympics hand-wringing questions answered


3:23 pm - August 8th 2012

by Guest    


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contribution by RedPesto

As the Olympics nears its end, LibCon’s specially commissioned Olympic agony aunt, Ms Olympia, is still on hand to help with more of those last-gasp efforts by each leftie to wrestle their conscience into submission.

It’s a ‘big ask’, as they say in sport, and the competition to achieve the perfect political result is intense.

Yet like a good coach, Ms Olympia is here to help anxious lefties peak at precisely the right moment and execute whatever game plan they had in mind.

Dear Ms Olympia – I feel good each time Team GB win a medal – is this just my inner national socialist trying to get out? – the a & e charge nurse.

Dear a & e charge nurse – I’m sure you feel some strange stirrings as Mo Farah or Jessica Ennis win a gold medal. It could be patriotic pride – or just indigestion from the TV dinner. Nevertheless, it’s only natural to feel a twinge of admiration for a fellow citizen’s sporting achivement. Even though the ‘tradition’ of carrying the Olympic flame throughout the country originated with the Nazis and the 1936 Olympics, you’ll also recall that Jesse Owens won four gold medals – fuck yeah! In yer face, Adolf! (Pity Owens still had to ride at the rear of the bus back in the US.)

I wouldn’t worry: just remember to recall how multiracial ‘Team GB’ is – even Andy Murray is now officially British these days. If you must punch one hand in the air in celebration, just make sure you’re wearing a black glove and tell people you’re paying tribute to Tommie Smith and John Carlos, otherwise they might get the wrong idea.

Dear Ms Olympia – I’m thinking about buying some London 2012 souvenirs for a friend, but I’m worried about ethical standards and exploited workers. What should I do? – Ji Twen Ti.

Dear Ji – I’ve been in the agony aunt business too long to fall for the ‘my friend’ routine. Feel free to admit that all you really want is a four-feet tall cuddly Wenlock and Mandeville of your very own, or at least some official Olympic condoms (though your partner might not be impressed if you come first in that particular context). Given the sheer amount of London 2012 or Team GB merchandise available, I’d just wait until it turns up in Poundland, or better yet, in a charity shop, where you can snap it up at a bargain price and contribute to a good cause at the same time.

Dear Ms Olympia – All this talk about bloody wimmin and the Olympics: what about the menz’ synchronised swimming?! – Dick Manly.

Dear Dick – It is true that there is no men’s synchronised swimming at the Games. However, given the billions of years of patriarchal oppression, missing the opportuinity to thrash around in the water like an acquatic Fred Astaire is a small price to pay to ensure that women have a ‘safe space’ to do the same in spandex and a ton of hair lacquer.

Dear Ms Olympia – Should I sing during the playing of the national anthem when Team GB win? – Jane Falstaff.

Dear Jane – True hand-wringing lefities will always have trouble with the national anthem, especially when they realise that the second line is ‘Long live our noble Queen’ and not ‘The fascist regime.’ You’ll also notice that the anthem’s kept short to leave out the bit about giving the ‘Rebellious Scots’ a good kicking – not a good idea if you believe in the Union as well as unions, or are a big fan of Sir Chris Hoy.

On balance, I’d advise not singing, unless you are actually in an Olympic venue and want to re-enact The Last Night of the Proms. The medal-winning athlete is excused on the grounds of being too shocked/excited/over the moon to do anything but cry from the impact of the whole experience. Whatever the Daily Mail might think, they won’t get publicly flogged for not giving a lung-busting rendition of the national anthem worthy of Dame Vera Lynn.

Dear Ms Olympia – All this talk of missiles on the roofs of public buildings worries me. Should I start a peace camp in protest? I was thinking of making it women-only: any advice? – Nana Lysistrata.

Dear Nana – I’d be less worried about the missiles than the army of flying monkeys, black-clad ninjas and Orcs that Locog has at its disposal to ensure no-one uses the Olympic rings or the phrase ‘London 2012’ without permission. Between that and the ‘Zil lanes’ for International Olympic Committee officials, I’m surprised that the media aren’t more aware of plans to hold the 2020 Games in a remote secret base owned by a megalomaniac supervillian (and you thought Putin was in the UK just for the judo). Making your protest women-only is fine, but I think barring the women from having sex may be pushing it – you’re protestors, not athletes preparing for a major final.

Dear Ms Olympia – You didn’t answer my question about booing the Israeli team in solidarity with the Palestinians. Why? What are you trying to hide, eh? – Ian T. Fada

Dear Ian – Sunny’s recommended I don’t reply to your query. And by the way, I’ve blocked you on Twitter and the restraining order came though this morning. So back off.

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Reader comments


Being on the left isn’t about conscience, it’s about the implementation of scientific socialism.

I’ve got one. It doesn’t apply to me but I’ve just thought of it…

I’ve just had a McDonald’s at the Olympic Park. Should I now go and confess my sins to some vegans, or some greens? Or should I just kill myself for my crimes against animals and the planet and for joining the ranks if the junk food munching lower orders?

I also like how hockey seems to be the only sport played in miniskirts. Much appreciated.

Dear M, even though I approve of sport in general, I have to tell you that I find 90% of the Olympics to be mind numbingly boring. Top marks to the athletes, but unless you have a clue about rhythmic gymnastics or synchronised diving, you are watching folk prance and flaff about. Who really cares about dressage?

I am I normal?

No matter the actual sport, hand on heart, I find women’s sport boring. Don’t get me wrong, I fully support the sisterhood’s right to go running like the men, and they are every bit a dedicated as those men, but really, after the men have had their 100 meters, why bother with a slightly slower race? I couldn’t care less about, say, a 100 metre white male race after the real event, either.

I am I sexist?

Even though I have cheered on every British medal winner, male and female, real and pretend sports, I felt absolutely no emotional attachment to the UK football team. I will cheer on English sportsmen and women all day and support ‘British’ teams that are all English, but football? Nope.

Any ideas?

“Being on the left isn’t about conscience, it’s about the implementation of scientific socialism”.

What does this mean?

Jim – I can’t vouch for Ms Olympia’s answers, but I reckon:

1 – You’re normal: everyone has their favourite and hated sports. You might discover a new interesting sport during the Olympics (the BBC have tried to explain the basic rules) or you might come across something you never want to watch again.

2 – Tricky – but then I’d be annoyed if the right of women to participate in the same sports as men led to accusations of sexism if men didn’t watch it (and I don’t think it’s big or clever of feminists to get into ‘the women’s version is so much better’ claims as kept happening during the last women’s football World Cup).

3 – Can’t say I blame you. There’s way too much baggage – sorry, history – particularly in the men’s game, for a UK team to really work. Oddly enough rugby will be part of Rio 2016, and that has a much stronger tradition of a UK team.

7. douglas clark

Is it OK to think that the horse should get the medal in dressage?

I’ve heard people say that they have become interested in watching the most obscure and silliest sports and lament that they didn’t chase a ticket for the handball semi-finals. Do I go about saying that the Olympics are a collective drug to distract the public’s mind from the imminent collapse of capitalism, or do I shut up since there are only a few days to go?

The British Comedians Collective are desperate – they had a whole lot of gags about failures of organisation and transport, and only two bronzes won by Team GB. These gags are redundant. Are they due any compensation? Their work has now been outsourced to Australian comedians, who have routines about other countries sending swimmers to compete, which is against the whole spirit of the Games.


Reactions: Twitter, blogs
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