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My predictions for 2011


3:33 pm - December 26th 2010

by Ellie Mae    


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2010 will most likely be remembered as the year we all looked at each other and said, ‘you mean people still vote Conservative?’

But what of 2011? What thrills and spills are to come? Here are a few of my predictions. Why not read them and offer a few of your own?

1. There will be a PR disaster for the Conservatives when Michael Gove mistakes Swift’s A Modest Proposal for a government White Paper. As a result, Andy Coulson will be forced to bury photos of Gove wearing a ‘Kiss the Cook’ apron and trying to convince a child to get on his skewer.

2. After giving Kate Middleton Diana’s engagement ring, Prince William will ill-advisedly suggest the couple honeymoon by embarking on a car chase through the streets of Paris.

3. A peturbed owl will briefly run the Labour party after being mistaken for Ed Miliband. Fortunately, embarrassment will be avoided when the owl pushes through vote reform, unites the party, and develops a credible alternative to government fiscal policy.

4. 2011 will see the advent of ‘Big Miner,’ a reality TV programme where 33 men, who achieved fame after being trapped in a Chilean mine last year, will co-exist in a mineshaft for 62 days.

5. Apple will release the iSmug, a device with no function other than to produce a feeling of self-satisfaction in its user. Unfortunately, the iSmug’s inefficient design will cause it malfunction, continually producing a feeling of shame.

6. In an horrific turn of events, Vince Cable will declare that Cameron’s hair ‘looks shit,’ and that his secret nickname for Eric Pickles is ‘Captain Pieman,’ during the 2011 pre-budget report.

7. To the dismay of Hollywood, Wikileaks will expose the twist of every new M. Night Shayamalan film (note: in each case, the twist was ‘they’re all dead’).

8. To keep him out of trouble, Tony Hayward (formerly of BP) will be made CEO of cute fluffy kittens. Unfortunately he will then preside over the Great Hairball Spill of 2011, leading to the choking of thousands.

(ht @JonnieMarbles)

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About the author
Ellie Mae is an occasional contributor. She is co-editor of New Left Project. She is on Twitter and blogs here.
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Reader comments


My real predictions for 2011 are too depressing to be put into words other than to say the country is going downhill fast and the government have placed a brick on the accelerator pedal, so more of the same but worse.

Anyone with any decency leaves before they close the ports.

Who said lefties don’t do humour?

“a device with no function other than to produce a feeling of self-satisfaction in its user. Unfortunately, the iSmug’s inefficient design will cause it malfunction, continually producing a feeling of shame.”

…sounds very much like the Coalition

4. Daniel Factor

Here’s mine…

.Some alternative comedian will crack a tastless but funny joke about Kate Middleton near the time of the Royal wedding on a BBC panel show. The Daily Mail will wheel out some Tory MP and someone from Mediawatch uk to condem the joke even though they never saw the programme on which the jokes was made. One of their hacks will hold it up as an example of how the BBC is run by a bunch of Monarchy hating leftie liberal marxists and how they can make fun of the Royals but wouldn’t daaaaaaaaaaare make fun of Muslims, immigrants, blacks etc etc.

.Richard Littlejohn will say “You couldn’t make it up at least 1,000 times.

.England will fail to qualify for the 2012 Euro Championships. The taboids willl drone on endlessly about overpaid premaddonas being paid more than nurses, make comparisions with “spoilt” footballers with “brave” soldiers fighting in Afghanistan and some Mail racist hack will denounce foreigners ruining “our game” and blame multiculturalism for England’s team being shit.

“Prince William will ill-advisedly suggest the couple honeymoon by embarking on a car chase through the streets of Paris.”

Nah, he’ll just bribe the welsh assembly to grant planning permission for a tunnel between Anglesy and the mainland

I also posted on this last week! Although my predictions were no where near as amusing . . .

(Link, if you’re interested: http://politicalreboot.blogspot.com/2010/12/election-2011.html)

6 Your link doesn’t work. Try it again 🙂

Daniel factor @ 4,

That has the painfuly obvious fault of proabably being accurate…

9. scandalousbill

The snow will melt come spring.

David Cameron and George Osborne will hold a press conference to declare that the Tory led austerity measures have prevented the UK from entering the Great Ice Age. Nick Clegg and Chris Huhne will serve refreshments.

Eric Pickles declares council cuts vital strategic move in war against Rutans

China declares world resources secured, internal market stable, rest of world can now sod off. All debts called due, America repossessed and sold to highest bidder, Mexican drug cartel.

George Osborne shock. Fritz confesses “I should never have attempted to assemble the body parts Baron Frankenstein rejected as too scarey. Especially not on Friday afternoon. While drunk on wood alcohol. And shrooms. I’m also sorry I used a tin of mushy peas instead of a brain.

David Cameron corrects mistake. replaces Theresa May with Teresa May. George Osborne unable to sit down.

Science breakthrough. Substance invented able to reflect George Osborne.

David Cameron inaugural winner of international prize Who’s Got The Thickest Finance Minister.

Nick Clegg given new position. Officially appointed David Cameron’s bitch. Robes of state consist of leopard skin tube top, PVC mini skirt and fishnets. Boris Johnson says “who’s this pretty little popsie?”

Vince Cable’s contemplation of nuclear option raises DEFCON level, Simon Hughes face turns from red to plum

Vince Cable deploys nuclear option. Wishes he hadn’t bought from BAE.

ATOS declare no sick people in Britain. Consequently no need for NHS. Rental of Black & Decker and a DVD of Hostel available as replacement service.

Eric Pickles achieves own gravitational field.

Iain Duncan Smith declares final solution to unemployment. After claiming Jobseeker’s allowance for five minutes claimants are reffered to A4E at a cost of £4million each who direct them through a door at the back of the building.

Emma Harrison sued for copyright by estate of Charles Addams.

Deavid Cameron seeks Falklands moment. Searches for country Britain can defeat. Declares war on Antarctica. Penguins win.

David Cameron’s face becomes smoother and shinier. Scientists speculate head has gone septic. An eager nation waits for it to burst

University fees latest. Michael Gove has nothing to say. Without Peter Brough’s hand up his bottom.

Soylent green goes on sale. Deep fried in Scotland.

Unemployed bricklayers build gigantic wall around London to seal in the dangerous criminals. Snake Plissken too scared to go in.

Criminal justice system replaced with Manhunt, Death Race 2000 and The Running Man

Rich desperate to find something to spend money on. Solid gold, ruby studded Nunzillas are hit of the year

Cadbury’s chocolate now tastes entirely like Kraft cheese but you do get less of it.

Chairman of Vodafone demands £78squillion tax refund on declared profits of 17p. Dave Hartnett obliges.

Other large companies demand similar treatment or directors will “scream and scream until they are sick”. Dave Hartnett obliges.

Dave Hartnett resigns from HMRC. Becomes the world’s largest holder of company directorships.

Income and inheritance taxes abolished. VAT raised to 8 million percent.

Energy companies raise electricity prices 150%. Place gigantic tarpualin over Scotland limiting it to 10 days sunlight a year.

Donald Trump fails to achieve sensible hair. Continues to depoil Scotland in the name of profits made by silly game played by badly dressed arseholes.

Germany only profitable country in Europe. Chuckling heard from Reichstag.

Royal wedding latest: Duke of Edinburgh hires Agent 47 “and make it look like a bloody accident this time”

Royal security fears: Doubles hired to ensure safety of Charles and Camilla. Wallace and Leatherface.

3D TVs which do not require glasses go on sale. Giggling heard from Panasonic, Sony et al.

Boris Johnson fathers more young than Shub Niggurath. In a week.

Business finally creates the ultimate product: nothing, at the ultimate price: everything. Apple unable to satisfy demand.

Ghosts of Christmas past, present and future strike. Unable to cope with workload in London

5. Apple will release the iSmug, a device with no function other than to produce a feeling of self-satisfaction in its user. Unfortunately, the iSmug’s inefficient design will cause it malfunction, continually producing a feeling of shame.

Well, the iPad 2 is coming out in the spring, and I’m sure it will do just that.

10

Think I just got upstaged 🙂

Eric Pickles achieves own gravitational field.

Will there be a load of smaller Eric Pickles orbiting around him?

12.

Yes, the Sontaran battle fleet will soon be massing around Eric Pickles. A singularity will occur and the resulting black hole will suck in all pies until the universe collapses and the last sound is neither a bang nor a whimper but a belch accompanied by “I’ll have some lager with that”

@10 Lovely, but ‘Nick Clegg given new position. Officially appointed David Cameron’s bitch. Robes of state consist of leopard skin tube top, PVC mini skirt and fishnets. Boris Johnson says “who’s this pretty little popsie?”’

Transphobia much?

15. scandalousbill

David Cameron applauds Vince Cable’s appearance on Strictly Come Dancing and appoints him as Tory led Coalition representative on new reality series, Celebrity Rendition

@12 Not at all, you’re confusing transgenderism (which isn’t inherently funny) with the absurdity of unconvincing drag, without which British comedy would be in deep trouble. If Nick Clegg is actually contemplating gender reassignment he’d have my full support, which is more than (*snip* rest of line cut for being cheesier than Cadbury’s chocolate). In any case I’m sure Nick Clegg’s testicles along with those of several other Liberal MPs have been made into a Newton’s Cradle which now adorns David Cameron’s desk

This so called Coalition will create a Divided Britain like nothing seen before and in addition to this they will create a Broken Britain, not fix a Broken Britain like David Cameron promised. Let us not forget that the general election was a complete disaster and no person voted for or wanted a Coalition Government, especially one that continually lie’s and changes things as it goes along. We have an uncertain future under this so called Coalition of misery.

@Mr Eugenides
“Who said lefties don’t do humour?”

All the contributors above.

18

That elicited a genuine LOL from me. So maybe you’ve been hoisted by your own petard 😉

@Ellie Mae
it’s either your grammar or your spelling which confuses your message, why don’t you say what you really mean?

Um there are no grammar or spelling errors in any of the posts by me!

I was just saying your comment made me laugh, and therefore contradicted itself because you were implying lefties are incapable of humour (presuming you are a lefty).

Less of the acid, it’s Christmas.

It’s not Christmans any more… and my sherry has turned to vinegar!

1. it’s hoist, not hoisted. either that or I’d be worried what a petard would be doing here…
2. please don’t presume – I don’t like political prejudice any more than any other form. I actually find balanced arguments more convincing as they address all concerns equally.

As a result I initially got the opposite impression from your response than you intended, so it was worth asking again from my pov.

This is where I give you an academic theory of comedy, in that laughter is a natural and automatic recognition response, and therefore what we find funny (or otherwise recognise) exposes more about us and our own thinking and prejudices than is originally apparent.

So perhaps you could read that line back with a more open mind, it should work both ways.

There’s more to politics than just left and right!

(And I don’t drink sherry, not by choice anyway).

“After giving Kate Middleton Diana’s engagement ring, Prince William will ill-advisedly suggest the couple honeymoon by embarking on a car chase through the streets of Paris.”

This man lost his mother when he was a teenager, even as a republican I find this sick.

@7 – just chop the bracket off the end….

Reading the comments on this is a bit like being at the world’s most awkward dinner party.

26. scandalousbill

“The world’s most awkward dinner party” comment #3 (note not @3)

On Feb 2, Ground Hog Day, Osbourne emerges from his hole, sees his shadow, (aka the little red haired rodent), and declares anothere 6 billion in cuts for the March budget.


Reactions: Twitter, blogs
  1. Liberal Conspiracy

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  2. Ellie Mae

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  10. NewLeftProject

    @MissEllieMae is funny she is – read her predictions for 2011 here: http://bit.ly/eOuUO1

  11. japglish

    . @MissEllieMae reads the future entrails of 2011 with awesome accuracy and foresight http://bit.ly/eOuUO1

  12. misselliemae

    Thanks for your lovely feedback on my latest for @libcon http://bit.ly/eOuUO1 Oh how embarrassing, I seem to have linked it again.

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    @sophwarnes @MissEllieMae @mycrippledeagle this won't hurt much… http://liberalconspiracy.org/2010/12/26/my-predictions-for-2011/

  21. clareypops

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  22. 140.85

    @Callum_TH this was side splitting comedy because i felt a sudden desire to disembowel myself while reading it http://t.co/heTYQssi

  23. Callum Hamilton

    @Callum_TH this was side splitting comedy because i felt a sudden desire to disembowel myself while reading it http://t.co/heTYQssi





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