Terrorist 5-a-side…

1:30 pm - July 8th 2009

by Unity    

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With levity making a welcome return it LibCon courtesy of Jamie’s sparkling pisstake of Mad Mel and Laurie’s Harry Potter post I think its well worth directing your attention to Charlie Brooker’s new comedy quiz show, ‘You Have Been Watching‘, the first episode of which aired last night on Channel 4 (and can be viewed by anyone who missed it on 4OD).

The show itself is pretty much an extended version of Brooker’s Screenwipe with the addition of a panel of guest slebs/comedians and the occasional quiz question, as per HIGNFY, with last night’s hilarious opener introducing British audiences to perhaps the most unintentionally funny programme to hit British TV since Clive James discovered the Japanese torture games show ‘Endurance‘ – Spike TV’s ‘Deadliest Warrior‘.

Deadliest Warrior is a classic ‘only in America’ cable TV show, a testosterone-fuelled fusion of a Discovery Channel historical weapons/warfare documentary and Robot Wars in which… ah, to hell with it, just read Spike TV’s promotional blurb and you’ll get the idea.

Each week on Deadliest Warrior, a new episode will pit two of the most feared warriors civilization has ever known against each other. Along with the use of 21st century science and the latest in CGI technology, each episode enlists warrior-specific world-class fighters and experts to provide insight into what makes these combatants tick, analyzing every facet of their unique skills of destruction, culminating in a head-to-head final fight between two legends of the battlefield that will produce the deadliest warrior.

In other words you put a couple of wannabe Chuck Norris’s in a sports science lab with a computer nerd, where the Chucks spend several hours happily hacking away at crash-test dummies and lumps of pork with assorted pointy objects, all in the name of science (and ratings) of course, at the end of which the nerd punches a bunch of numbers into a laptop in order to predict the outcome of hypothetical battle between that week’s chosen historical protagonist. This is all, naturally, enough window-dressing for the show’s real punchline, a superannuated Sealed Knot live action re-enactment of the geek’s prediction filmed in glorious Badtasticolour and a bit of apres-slaughter punditry.

All very ‘meh’, you might think, but as Brooker revealed last night, the show’s season finale succeeded in delivering one of the most gloriously condensed two and half minute segments of bad taste television in the history of the medium…

…a five on five car park fire-fight between the Taliban and the IRA, which really has to be seen to be believed.

In fact, what the hell, here’s the video is all its glory…


Oh, and do make a point of watching ‘You Have Been Watching’ even if you’re not a fan of Brooker’s distinctive brand of ranting cynicism, if only to discover exactly what happened when a hapless contestant on one of the most pointless reality/game shows on TV, ‘Come Dine With Me’ attempted to mash raspberries through a plastic sieve with a hand blender.

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About the author
'Unity' is a regular contributor to Liberal Conspiracy. He also blogs at Ministry of Truth.
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Reader comments

They are some of the worst fake beards I’ve ever seen.

The concept is very Day Today and I can’t believe the Taliban threw away a 3-1 lead, the chokers.

… or like something out of Transmetropolitan.

Gloriously, magnificently silly.

4. Alisdair Cameron

Next week, a four-way face-off between Russian Spetsnaz, the Medellín cartel, the A-Team, and scary kids who hang around the bus stop.


‘a four-way face-off between Russian Spetsnaz, the Medellín cartel, the A-Team, and scary kids who hang around the bus stop.’

The highlight of the best training course I ever went on was on a British army base where we were given a series of driving scenarios and told we had to react. I can’t remember them all, but one was an Israeli checkpoint, one was a road block in Chechnya and one was a Taliban ambush. The point was you had to respond to a radio message as you were driving and know whether or not it was better to pull over, make a break for it or drive straight at the shooter. Definitely a high adrenalin kick!

We also did lots of kidnap survival, hostage negotiation stuff, etc. and also had one incident which was known as ‘Chav attack’, which was actually the most physically violent one on the course (rapid escalation from a bus stop incident). The whole thing must have cost a fortune because they hired a whole cast of actors (British soldiers to play the part of British soldiers, some Bosnians to play the part of Bosnians) and even an armoured car that people could throw petrol bombs at. I think it all came out of the UK aid budget.

Anyway, glad to see the good guys won in the video above.

Richard Herring reading out loud of a visit to ‘The tuberculosis wing of the Museum of Ifanticide’ while sporting a Hitler moustache and trying to keep a straight face had to be the single funniest thing on TV this decade.

I just loved the inflammatory comment of “keeping it British, I say the IRA” (paraphrased). Very much the funniest thing I’d seen on TV for at least a few weeks.

9. garry day

@Alisdair Cameron

Actually they’ve done the Spetsnaz already!


When are they doing Sharks vs Nazis?

I was there when they filmed it (sitting in the front row in a stripy dress and dinner jacket, about 3ft away from CB).

Seriously, when they showed that clip, everyone in the audience was crying with laughter!

I wish they’d show that program over here. It’d make for great drinking games 🙂 Also reckon a Mortal Kombat style tournament wouldn’t go amiss.

Shaka Zulu v. William Wallace, I knew that the ruthless Shaka would win hands down. But no, William Wallace won. Then it dawned – this is an American show, black v. white, white wins. So IRA v. Taliban, it had to be the IRA – it was. It’s like when Muhammad Ali was unbeatable, and UPPITY. So the Yanks resurrected Rocky Marciano to defeat Ali in a virtual fight.

13. Just Visiting

I didn’t find the show as good as his Screenwipe.

I hope it doesn’t descend into well-worn format ‘ lets make fun of those funny foreign TV shows’.

Maybe I’m just too serious a type, but it felt like Screenwipe was turning a much needed spotlight onto the media itself…

Loved that clip. I had to laugh at the bit where the IRA guy locks the Taliban guy in the bus and waves the bomb remote at him.

Reactions: Twitter, blogs
  1. Liberal Conspiracy

    Article: Terrorist 5-a-side… http://bit.ly/wLPSp

  2. Tim Ireland

    RT @libcon Article: Terrorist 5-a-side… http://bit.ly/wLPSp

  3. Travis Morgan

    Liberal Conspiracy » Terrorist 5-a-side… http://bit.ly/16oIxI

  4. Liberal Conspiracy

    Article: Terrorist 5-a-side… http://bit.ly/wLPSp

  5. Tim Ireland

    RT @libcon Article: Terrorist 5-a-side… http://bit.ly/wLPSp

  6. Travis Morgan

    Liberal Conspiracy » Terrorist 5-a-side… http://bit.ly/16oIxI

  7. matt_heath

    http://is.gd/1rwmI Yes but who’d win out of a badger and a swan (in a cubic cage of base 3m). IRA vs Taliban

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