A-Z of right-wing online commenting

4:16 pm - August 10th 2008

by Steven Baxter    

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A short alphabetical guide for anyone thinking of posting a comment on the Mail/BBC Have Your Say messageboards.

ALCOHOL – benign, harmless substance when consumed by anyone over 45 which is also toxic and dangerous drug when administered to YOUNG PEOPLE or FERAL YOUTH. Should be taxed when drunk by YOUNG PEOPLE but not by others, who are of course responsible and never do anything wrong.

AND GUESS WHO’S PAYING?!??!! – usefull catch-all phrase to describe anything in which the government/state is involved. Should be used at the end of any post as punctuation or a final flourish to a well-argued and wittily brilliant excoriation of NULAB’s injustices and crimes.

ARRESTED – means someone did it.

BBC, THE – Pinko commie bastard scumbags who love liberals and want our children to be gay. Bonus points for saying “I BET YOU WON’T PUBLISH THIS, COMMUNIST BBC!” whenever you submit anything to the HYS messageboard.

BINGE BRITAIN – the sudden liking for alcohol which has happened since 1997. No-one underage ever drank anything before then, but now all of a sudden everyone is drinking, from the age of four upwards, then having a fight afterwards. Anticipated by Hogarth in his famous “Gin Lane under NuLab”.

BIRCH, THE – magical item which restores civic pride and makes all children into better people, simply by thrashing them with it.

BLAIR, CHERIE – bonus points for criticising haircut/size of mouth.

BLAIR, TONY – once-admired leader who embraced PC BRIGADE and LIBERAL FASCISM. Bonus points for use of ‘Bliar’.

BRITISH NATIONAL PARTY – much-admired intelligent band of decent men and women who would be the best thing to happen to our country. I KNOW WHERE I’M VOTING NEXT TIME AND IT’S NOT FOR JOCK MCBOTTLER, HE’S SOLD OUR COUNTRY DOWN THE RIVER!

BROKEN BRITAIN – propensity towards violence and lawlessness never seen in country until Tony Blair was elected. Don’t believe the CRIME STATISTICS!

BROWN, GORDON – please don’t use his correct name. Acceptable names are Jock McBottler, Gordie McHaggis, Tartan McBroon, Jimmy McIrnBru, etc. Must be blamed for everything in the world, eg man attacked by hedgehog in New Zealand.

BUSH, GEORGE W – wise and noble leader of the free world. He’s the only one who can see the truth!

CAMERON, DAVID – the saviour of the world. Will cure cancer with a single touch. A bit left-wing for our tastes obviously, but we’ll cut him some slack until he gets into power and refuses to bring back the birch.

CANNABIS – a drug that kills anyone who takes it straight away.

CLARKSON, JEREMY – wittily hilarious man-of-people who sees through PC BRIGADE and all that nonsense. Classical views on GREEN ISSUES to be agreed with include deriding any environmentalist as a ‘lunatic’.

CONSERVATIVE PARTY – will solve all the nation’s problems when they get into power.

CRIME STATISTICS – keep going down, but I don’t believe that because some bloke in the pub told me that kids are getting let off with a caution for rape and murder nowadays, so there.

CYCLIST – dirty, evil road user who dares to get in the way of cars. A good thing to say about these appalling folk is: “And what about CYCLISTS? All they do is JUMP RED LIGHTS and ride on the PAVEMENT! When will the police crack down on them flouting THE HIGHWAY CODE?!?!? NB cycling is derided no matter if it is a ‘friendly’ person doing it, e.g. DAVID CAMERON. Cf PEDESTRIAN.

DEATH PENALTY – should be brought back for all crimes that make white people feel scared at night, regardless of true nature of crime.

DOLE – is what scroungers get given to feed their eight billion kids, and guess who’s paying?!

ECSTASY – is a drug that kills everyone who takes it straight away.

FACEBOOK – is an incomprehensible evil that lures children into a seedy world of paedophilia, drugs and prostitution.

FATHER – much maligned 50 per cent of parenthood, deliberately targeted by NuLab and Harriet Harperson so that they will become redundant in 50 years’ time. NuLab don’t think we need fathers.

FERAL YOUTH – the correct term for anyone under 25.

GOLLIWOG – harmless teddy for children with no racial connotations whatsoever. Anyone who complains about them is a NULAB PC fascist with ‘no sense of humour’.

GREEN ISSUES – that global warming, it’s all a con, innit? I saw some programme on Channel 4 once, it’s all a myth, nothing’s wrong, keep driving our cars and it’ll all be fine. We can’t affect nature, it’s all going to be fine, anything green is just a STEALTH TAX by NU LAB to kill off the TAX PAYER.

GUARDIAN READERS – wilfully ignorant yoghurt-weaving sandal-clad Islington-dwelling fools who want to strangle our babies and kill everyone, bringing a wave of MULTICULTURALISM and LIBERAL values to our ONCE-GREAT COUNTRY.

HARPERSON, HARRIET – Hilarious alternative for Harriet Harman. Evil witch who hates men and wants to destroy the world through political correctness.

HELL IN A HANDCART – phrase that implies that immigration or liberalism will destroy the bedrock of our society and that doom can only happen in some unspecified time in the future.

IMMIGRATION – secret plot by NU LAB to kill off INDIGENOUS POPULATION by bringing in foreigners, who all smell, are criminals and often terrorists. Every single immigrant is on benefits, and TAXPAYER must foot bill.

INDIGENOUS POPULATION – code for ‘white’.

ISLAM – terrorists who want to kill us. Bonus points for using ‘religion of peace – I don’t think so?!’ ironically after a terrorist attack, whether Muslims were involved in it or not.

IT NEVER DID ME ANY HARM – can be used for bullying, beating, torture, any kind of child abuse basically.

I WON’T BE ALLOWED TO SAY THIS – then say it. To give the impression that the PC BRIGADE or communist-infiltrated BBC are somehow denying free speech to the commenter.

JUDGES – Sopping-wet pinko fools who let everyone off crimes and don’t give anyone life in prison for stealing a penny bun from a market stall, so are therefore a ‘soft-touch’ thanks to NU LAB and THE PC BRIGADE.

KILLING – understandable if it’s shooting a Brazilian electrician six times in the head; understandable if you’re a speeding driver killing a pedestrian; perfectly understandable if you’re one of OUR BOYS shooting a brown person.

KNIFE CRIME EPIDEMIC – London-based killings and stabbings in 2008 which, despite being less prevalent than in 2007, are now more prevalent. Pay particular attention to ethnicity of offenders when black, but not when white.

LABOUR WILL TAX IT – useful phrase for any story about anything ever. E.g. rollerskating labrador dog called Simon wins competition. Why not chip in with a hilarious ‘LABOUR WILL TAX IT!!!!!’

LIBERALS – scummish, nasty, vile, putrid, disgusting, hateful, fascistic, unpleasant, gay, dirty, disgraceful load of bastards who hate everyone and want everyone to suffer and be miserable, except lesbian one-armed black immigrants. Bonus points for saying “It’d be all right if I was one of them, then the LIBERALS would give me everything I want!”

LITTLEJOHN, RICHARD – hilariously funny, better-than-Proust chronicler of HELL-IN-A-HANDCART PC-GONE-MAD NU LAB bonkers YOU COULDN’T MAKE IT UP Britain.

LOCKED UP – what any criminal or mentally ill person should be. Bonus points for ‘and throw away the key!’

MENTAL ILLNESS – deluded nonsense from milksop LIBERALS who refuse to pull socks up and get on with life as IT NEVER DID ME ANY HARM. Best if all people with such delusions are LOCKED UP to keep them away from NORMAL PEOPLE.

MIDDLE CLASSES – good, kind-hearted, lovely folk who are the best people in the world, especially the white ones, yet who are constantly under attack from STEALTH TAXES and THE PC BRIGADE.

MULTICULTURALISM – must be described as ‘failed experiment’ (cf SOCIALISM) and be portrayed as reason for all problems everywhere, particularly at times when non-whites have committed crimes.

MUSLIMS – see ISLAM. There are no Muslims other than rabid jihadist murderers – the actions of one extremist Muslim mean, naturally, that every other individual from the same faith is exactly the same as this person.

NATIONAL SERVICE – should be compulsory for everyone younger than me. Never did me any harm! Or the Krays.

NEW LABOUR – A bunch of Stalinist scum who are deliberately killing our children. Please use the correct term ‘NuLab’.

NORMAL PEOPLE – anyone with rabidly right-wing views, cf THE SILENT MAJORITY.

NU LAB – is the correct term for ‘New Labour’. Can be used as in phrases such as ‘Welcome to NuLab Britain, great here isn’t it? Thanks a lot Gordie McSporranbotherer!’

OBAMA – Use ‘Osama’, or if preferred, ‘Hussein’, to emphasise darkness of skin and therefore evil Islamist tendencies.

ONCE-GREAT COUNTRY – Britain. Used to imply that starving Indians to death and raping other countries was actually the thing we should be proudest of as a nation.

OUR BOYS – correct term for armed forces.

PARASITE – anyone who claims benefits, or any immigrant even if they claim no benefits at all.

PC BRIGADE, THE – Mysterious A-teamesque band of malfaisants who deliberately try to upset white, middle-class heterosexual men by making everyone else have better opportunities as them. Ignore the murderous savages of Islam by their well-intentioned but ultimately evil ‘multiculturalism’. Allow murdering chldren to stay in luxury 5-star leisure camps at taxpayer’s expense rather than torturing them in barrels of brine, as would be right and proper.

PC GONE MAD – anything which is slightly sensitive towards other people’s cultural traditions or values. Anyone who ever tries to think about other people’s feelings is PC GONE MAD and therefore a LIBERAL idiot. See also MULTICULTURALISM.

PEDESTRIAN – foul-smelling creatures who get in the way of cars. Cf CYCLIST

PHILLIPS, MELANIE – world’s greatest intellect, a towering lone voice fighting against the terror of MUSLIMS, ISLAM and left-wing idiot GEORGE W BUSH.

POLES – swan-eating miscreants who undercut our Traditional British Plumbers and bring over families of ten trillion children to scrounge off our benefits system… and guess who’s paying?!?!

POWELL, ENOCH – visionary titan of brilliance who ‘saw it all coming’ and first realised the dangers of MULTICULTURALISM’s failed experiment as well as the hell of SOCIALISM.

QUEEN, THE – Her Majesty. Wonderful ruler of Empire. Has regrettably produced rubbish children who will wreck our glittering monarchy.

RANDOM QUOTE FROM SOMEONE WHO SOUNDS AUTHORITATIVE – Try ‘But wasn’t it Marx himself who said that workers should be boiled alive in tramp sick?’ or ‘But wasn’t it Plato who said that immigration was the worst thing ever?’

RICH, THE – much misunderstood, wonderful wealth generators who are responsible entirely for economic success, but never responsible for economic problems. Kind, gentle, philanthropic people who don’t deserve to be taxed at all.

SCUM – anyone who isn’t a white, middle-class English Anglo-Saxon taxpayer. And quite a few who are. Cf VERMIN.

SILENT MAJORITY – millions and millions of people who all agree with rabidly right-wing views but don’t ever have the courage to express them for fear of upsetting the PC BRIGADE and LIBERALS.

SMOKING – harmless pastime enjoyed by dignified people who are constantly under attack from PC do-gooders.

SOCIALISM – despicable ‘failed experiment’ (cf MULTICULTURALISM) which makes everyone miserable. The politics of NULAB, regardless of tax breaks for the rich, tax increases for the poor, etc.

STEALTH TAX – any fine for anything ever, eg speeding ticket, bin being too full. Easily avoided by anyone other than the wilfully stupid, yet still supposedly aimed at MIDDLE CLASSES rather than anyone else, reason never explained.

TAXPAYER – should be prefixed with ‘already overburdened’. Mythical chap who pays for immigration, young people, single mums etc and is always on the verge of ‘getting fed up about it’.

UNIONS – appalling 1970s rapists of industry who brought the country to its knees and whose sole purpose in life is to wreck Great Britain. Bonus points for ‘Striking won’t do you any good, you’ve got gold plated pensions?! What about me, I don’t have a union, I just get on with my job and I love my 0.1 per cent pay rise?!’

VERMIN – handy catch-all phrase which doesn’t quite count as downright abuse, so can easily be used to describe gypsies, immigrants or anyone you might disagree with. Cf SCUM.

VIOLENCE – unpleasantness committed by YOUNG PEOPLE and FERAL YOUTH thanks to BINGE BRITAIN. Perfectly acceptable when committed by OUR BOYS in Afghanistan/Iraq.

WINTER – it gets cold, yet this can be seen of evidence that climate change isn’t happening. Try using “It’s snowing outside my window, ARE YOU WATCHING MR GORE?!!?!”

X-RATED – things that only adults over 75 should be allowed to see, eg a glimpse of a lady’s ankle.

YOBS – see FERAL YOUTH. Alternatively use “scrotes” for anyone under 25 who happens to be standing outside a shop.

YOU COULDN’T MAKE IT UP – catch-all Littlejohnian phrase for things which are, as it turns out, frequently actually made up.

YOUNG PEOPLE – See FERAL YOUTH. Are responsible for all crime everywhere ever. Listen to evil music that makes them mad and kill grannies. Should have been disciplined more properly with THE BIRCH and then they wouldn’t have turned out this way. But sadly THE PC BRIGADE is in charge of our education and let them off everything.

ZERO TOLERANCE – would solve everything. All children found on streets killed would mean no more yobs bothering our grannies. Being flayed alive for theft would stop all thefts instantly. But will this Government do anything? No they won’t!

First posted on Enemies of Reason

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About the author
This is a guest post. Steven Baxter (aka Anton Vowl) writes, mostly about media issues, on the blog Enemies of Reason.
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Reader comments

The author omitted the hybrids Zanulab and Zanulabour….

That hedgehog story is pure class, especially the comments by the councillor.

This post for the win.

BRITISH CULTURE – Mystical, utopian ideology of GREAT COUNTRY. Centred around the values of WINSTON CHURCHILL and THE QUEEN, the ideology upholds DECENCY, LIBERTY and NO TOLERANCE. Protected by COMMON SENSE advocates against rabid LIBERALS.

LIBERTY – Complete freedom for all individuals, excepting for the policies of NO TOLERANCE.

NO TOLERANCE – Intrusive, preferably violent, action taken against SCUM, FERAL YOUTHS and MUSLIMS. Shamefully ignored by JUDGES and THE PC BRIGADE..

Decentpedia* is good for this. Collective Interest* is also rather funny, though they have very different angles.


“BRITISH CULTURE – Mystical, utopian ideology of GREAT COUNTRY. Centred around the values of WINSTON CHURCHILL and THE QUEEN, the ideology upholds DECENCY, LIBERTY and NO TOLERANCE. Protected by COMMON SENSE advocates against rabid LIBERALS.”



RED KEN: Dangerous PC LEFTIST GONE MAD who STOLE LONDON and turned it into a SOCIALIST KINGDOM. Intensely dangerous THIEVING TROT who subjected the NORMAL PEOPLE of the boroughs to the evils of MULTICULTURALISM and TURNED OUR CHILDREN into POOFS with GAY RIGHTS.

This is nothing short of genius.

I am deeply offended by the content and tone of this post.

Have you never ready Guido?

Only right-wing blogs are capable of humorous satire. I am outraged.

You should all be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves. *slams door*

I hate all of you NuLabour fascists: I agree with far too much of that, and you are therefore all evil Commies…


We love you too, DK.

We even love your Mac-based fascism (and I use the term fascism lightly ;o) ).

That’s right, Heath; sit on the fence, you secret WinTel lover, you…


I feel that we should be more specific in our mallet-like satire:

1. Political philosophy that prioritizes individual liberty and the minimisation or elimination of the state.
2. Political philosophy that abolishes taxes and prioritizes policies of NO TOLERANCE.

That’s right, Heath; sit on the fence, you secret WinTel lover, you…

My lawyers will be contacting you in good time, Mr. DK.

*leaves the thread visibly outraged, and indignant*

13. Stephen Rouse

While we’re at it….

CRISIS, WHAT CRISIS? – Government indifference in the face of made-up scare story

FACT – Single word sentence. Handy after any unsubstantiated allegation.

KARL MARX – Always “the idiot Marx”

GOOD OLD-FASHIONED TEACHING – Wackford Squeers’ academy before that bleeding-heart Nickleby interfered. It’s all been downhill since then

TRENDY ELITIST CULTURE – Not Cliff Richard or Jack Vettriano

SPEEDING – Essential expression of the freedom of the individual. Doesn’t cause accidents. Fact.

CHRISTIAN VALUES – Old Testament only, particularly re women and gays. Avoid the embarrassing hippy who was always banging on about tolerance

HITLER – Was a socialist, you know

VEGETARIANS – Hitler was one, you know

NON-SMOKERS – And this

ATHEISTS – Hitler AND Stalin this time. Just goes to show

WHOLESOME FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT – The Goodies, before they got too political

EUROPEANS – All decadent. Clearly having far too much fun. They’ll be sorry some day.

ECONOMIC MIRACLE, THE THATCHER – Transforming Britain by means of two recessions and cutting manufacturing industry by a quarter

INTELLIGENT DESIGN – They’ve rumbled Genesis – go to Plan B

METROPOLITAN ELITE – Always sneering and making smart-alec comments about our values, as though we’re somehow funny

That’s it. I feel better now…

This isn’t applicable to the simpletons on the HYS boards, but more for right-wing bloggers.

FAR RIGHT – There’s no such thing. Don’t you know the BNP are the FAR LEFT? They’re SOCIALISTS see? No one nasty was ever part of the political right.

“HITLER – Was a socialist, you know”……….

not read the liberal Hayek.the socialist roots of Nazism in the road to serfdom….course not too inconvenient.

Iain Dale is now compiling an A-Z of right-wing online commenting. The contributions seem to be largely tedious but I did like this one from The Tin Drummer:

“FROTHY MOUTHED: Someone who not only does not agree with me, but who has the bare-faced cheek to do it strongly, without a hint of an apology or any sense of humility.”

“I WON’T BE ALLOWED TO SAY THIS – then say it. To give the impression that the PC BRIGADE or communist-infiltrated BBC are somehow denying free speech to the commenter.”

I prefer to believe that commenters who say this genuinely think that the fascist BBC wish to censor them, and think that by referencing that, they will make it more likely that the comment will be published – the moderator wishing to prove them wrong.

Absolutely brilliant – dare I say it – PRIVATE-EYE-WORTHY!

As a keen follower of the verbal tics and mental habits of loons myself, I’m extremely distressed that nobody has spotted the glaring absence of “Soft Touch Britain”, “Rip-off Britain”, “Speed Cameras”, “Prisons Being Like Holiday Camps”, “So-Called Justice System” and “So-Called Human Rights”.

Additionally, surely no A to Z would be complete without mentioning how The Police Will Arrest You If You Fight Back Against Yobs, crazed demands to be granted the right to own a machine gun and purple-faced, priapic tirades about What I Would Do If I Caught a Burglar In My House.

Brilliant, although I would have loved to see an entry for Thatcher, Margaret!

Incidentally, I’m surprised to see Iain say that it’s “nice to know we get under their skin so much”. Conhome tried this years ago (and it caused a bit of a fuss):



C’mon Ben, you should know the script by now. When right-wingers do it, its just a bit of fun and a laugh. When lefties do it then its them throwing being bitchy.

FREE MARKET – Flawless, quasi-divine system of governance and effortless author of human liberty, freeing the working classes from the tyranny of socialism and returning to them their God-given right to barely cling on to their jobs while in direct competition with Chinese slaves.

And the best part is, everybody wins!

Jeez, that lexicon on ConHome is crap. Not funny, and a lame attempt at parody. What total losers, I’d pity them if they weren’t a bunch of “PC-gone-mad” racists

I love the entry for Taxpayer.

The idea that the people who pay for immigration, single mums etc are “mythical”. Arf.

As every liberal knows, money grows on trees, which are then harvested.

HUMAN RIGHTS – laws used by TERRORISTS and murderers and JUDGES to trample on the rights of law-abiding innocent VICTIMS.

SO-CALLED EXPERTS – So-called because they generally are, in fact, experts, the so-called experts frequently disagree with the SILENT MAJORITY and support THE PC BRIGADE, for example in refusing to accept the reality of BROKEN BRITAIN’S KNIFE CRIME EPIDEMIC or that it is caused by NEW LABOUR. As such the so-called experts should always be referred to in the most dismissive way possible, lest people actually start to listen to anyone other than RICHARD LITTLEJOHN.

CHILDREN (as in, WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN?) – every one of them a little angel (except for FERAL YOUTHS); any law should be passed if IT WILL PROTECT JUST ONE CHILD.

“FROTHY MOUTHED: Someone who not only does not agree with me, but who has the bare-faced cheek to do it strongly, without a hint of an apology or any sense of humility.”

Heh reminds me of something I read recently: “I’ve come to realise there are two types of people in the world, those that agree with me and those who are like Hitler”…

Incidentally, I’m surprised to see Iain say that it’s “nice to know we get under their skin so much”.

Which is ironic considering his own skin is about a molecule thick.

You need to get FEMINIZED in there, as in FEMINIZED MEDIA – appealing to your target market is a bad thing if it means you have to FEMINIZE your product.


GETTING UNDER THEIR SKIN – Providing them with a source of amusement or cheap laughs. “Getting under their skin” is a sure sign that you are right and “they” are secretly terrified of you, in just the same way that everyone is secretly terrified of flat-earthers and UFO conspiracy theorists: we laugh at them because we fear the truth.


Haha love it!

Strangely, this reminded me of today’s anti-PC rant by the quite magnificent Charlie Brooker in the Guardian (which is read by wilfully ignorant yoghurt-weaving sandal-clad Islington-dwelling fools who want to strangle our babies and kill everyone, bringing a wave of MULTICULTURALISM and LIBERAL values to our ONCE-GREAT COUNTRY)
That’ll confuse them.

OBSESSIVE: One who persues a campaign. (NB: In cases where the campaign gains the approval of RICHARD LITTLEJOHN or JEREMY CLARKSON, ‘OBSESSIVE’ may be replaced with ‘INDEFATIGABLE’.)

FEMINISATION: The use of thought or feeling instead of the testosterone preferred by Daily Mailians and COMMON SENSE advocates.

A mediocre perpetual student who lives with his mother and trades on his skin pigment to be on TV where said “skin pigment” is interpreted as a sign of great wisdom far beyond identical opiners without magic skin
A term mystifyingly used of middeclass Asians who come to this country via such places as Uganda where they were kicked out by the blacks for exploiting the blacks
Or- Homogenous group always agreement with speaker and eachother
A thing neither possessed by nor understood by ‘whites’ who betray their ignorance by condemning forced marriage , honour killing , educational enslavement of women murder barbaric cruelty and genocidal anti Semitism
A word describing events that decline indirect proportion to the amount experienced by whites
Resource available to world and means or smoking out RACISM, by spotting any attachment to
As in inequitable distribution of moneys outrageously held by those who worked for them and ignorantly retained despite the superior claims of those who do not .
The legal provision of more than equal rights to women in employment , gays , in adoption , blacks , in preferment and any “victim” ( See also equal treatment of Israeli defence and Arab attacks on school buses )
Genocide of innocent loveable peace loving people with own secret Parliament and full human rights legislation in 1750
The study of Adolf Hitler
Thing which Conservatives seek to ruin as evidenced by the root ‘Conserve’ which means rape pillage and despoil
A good thing except when not applicable to smoking , hunting , talking about immigration, retention of your identity .A quality generally only to be conferred by Government
Community of Sure Start helpers and social workers AND NOT vile sexist male supremacist conspiracy of patriarchy as lovingly eulogised in lying Murdoch press
Inexhaustible supply of finance of which there is never enough expended on “victims”. Believed to come from a money Spring deep beneath the Houses of Parliament requiring only a bucket to be replenished
-“The Truth”
Social housing ie council housing . A ritual incantation whereby those unable to afford a house themselves are obliged to buy free houses for people who deserve them by virtue of being on a “list”.
A virtuous tax attacking the twin evils of employment and endeavour. ( See also progressive tax increasing this virtuous effect)
A means whereby anyone may be guilty of ‘racism’ even if they are not , except if they are black when the reverse holds true
-One or two friendly picnicking couples and source of white racist phobia
Vicious racist assault casting salt on still fresh scars left by events that may have happened as recently as 1780. To be banned .
-Like the Salamander of medieval bestiaries this two in one creature is generally racist but can be a “victim” when discussing education AKA study of Nazi Germany
Angelic creatures requiring only “Government money” to live useful lives going to schools talking about why not to do knife crime to other “Kidz”
Means of excusing fanatical despots
Seen in visions like an invisible 6ft rabbit
True female circumcision of the West forced on women by male cultural supremacy and true source of vicious rumour about culture perpetrated by Murdoch press
Give money to Labour Party
Jewish Capitalist front for Neo Cons whose gigantic sales are forced on the unwilling workers who deeply wish to buy the Guardian
Satanic Coven of Industrialist militarist and almost anything bad ending with -ist operating at a subliminal level in MacDonald’s adverts ( Code name Google )
The means by which evil Tescos and its fiendish co plotters Asda and Sainsbury’s avoid competition and exploit the workers until such time as Nationalisation frees the market
Fiction invented by Murdoch Press to cast doubt upon revealed truth of limitless Government money
Any opinion held by white people best attached to Islam or Homo but Terrorist-ophobia is work in progress
Person to be spat on jeered at and not stood up for , unless meaning homosexual in which case to be celebrated but only at Islington gay festival and not when used by Bernard Manningist counter revolutionaries
All white activity from tea drinking musical taste , choice of book , decision to vote Conservative and motive behind any call to control immigration organised ultimately by Hitler neo-cons and Klu Klux Klan.
RAPE – The act of white man looking at a woman , holidaying in Asia , using the word black , enjoying sex .
S- Sexism.- The enjoyment of sex by men unless they are black where even honour killing and forced marriage is not sexism seen through correct cultural prism
Put upon unfortunate who , unbeknownst to her , accidentally got pregnant and if she did understand what happened it was probably because she was raped by her father at the age of seven and consequently all men owe her houses and money .
Not enough of and requiring more government money which . Must be differentiated from Schools which may be independent and contain nests of reactionary hate mongering education not limited to Nazi Germnay
Mythical creature said by Hefferite Daleist counter-revolutionaries to be responsible for the limitless “Government money” , actually provided as birthright
Thing I have read about at university and subsequently written about in the hope of becoming Guardian Columnist .
Fiction invented on the flimsy pretext of entire cities not working when they are obviously incapacitated
Any Majority in favour leaving EU , death penalty , tougher prison sentences , traditional family and other evils foisted upon the pliable minds of the ignorant by the Murdoch Press
W- W ANKER – Term or endearment and approbation as used by old school friends of Asian activists showing deep appreciation of their careers trading on skin pigment
X– …
Z –

* pursues

PERSONA: I’m calling you a cunt under a PERSONA, get it? It doesn’t mean the real me thinks you’re any less of a cunt but it’s something I can hide behind so you can’t attack me back without me getting to say ‘I’m calling you a cunt under a PERSONA, get it?’

Surprised these were missed off.

BRUSSELS – A hole in Belgium that BUREAUCRATS pour British Tax payer’s money into, also an institution desperate to control every aspect of the British way of life.

BUREAUCRATS – Usually used as “those bureaucrats in Brussels” but also “those bureaucrats in whitehall”. Bureaucrats live off hard working peoples taxes and come up with laws for the PC brigade which ruin British industry.

I had to check Newmania’s site to work out whether his dictionary was a brilliant parody of sub-literate far-right attempts at political humour, or just a sub-literate far-right attempt at political humour.

(disappointingly, it’s the latter).

Sunny, I have a job you might be interested in.

Newmania needs an editor. PDQ.

LOONY LEFT – Anyone to the left of the current leader of the Conservative Party. It should be noted, however, that ones Loony Left status is calculated moment-by-moment. Hence, DAVID CAMERON is *not* Loony Left, although until the day that he was elected leader, he was as loony as they come and loved Karl Marx.

And, now that I come to think of it, a CIVIL SERVANT is an overgrown politics student who spends half his working week dialling phonesex at the public expense and the other off sick; a TEACHER is responsible for cramming the heads of children with treasonous lies about British history and soft, chewy Marxism; SOCIAL WORKERS are PC TOTALITARIANS; ACADEMICS are LOONY LEFTIES who spend vast sums conducting obvious experiments on tea and biscuits or spreading LIES about GLOBAL WARMING and EXPERTS are a pack of Commies whose chief responsibility is to justify their own pay packets.

As you may notice, this brings down the list of honourable jobs to a) IT consultants, b) Tory Party functionaries and c) the vast underclass who serve a) and b) coffees and clean up behind them.

IDS was recently on “Any Questions” and admitted that the report of his Commission had not used the phrase “Broken Britain”, and that the phrase was a bit of spin added later. He also seemed to be saying that it wasn’t a very helpful phrase if you wanted to understand social problems in the UK today. Once again spin takes over from the facts.



Psudeononymous left-wing gloggers who use intemperate sexual swear words are THUGGISH and COWARDLY.

Right-wing bloggers who do the same are merely employing a HILARIOUSLY UN-PC PERSONA to make a very important point (and it should be pointed wherever possible what lovely intelligent people they are in real life).

Flying Rodent: IT consultants are CUNTS too, on account of the Y2K SCAM.

(that was my HILARIOUSLY UN-PC persona saying CUNT there, by the way)

Sub Literate – All Purpose reply for the hard of thinking may be combined with random orthographic pedantry to imply the superiority commenter however witless
Sub Wodehousian – For any attempt at humour

Barring the last paragraph Flying Rodent is spot on .If I lived in a world consisting only of Public sector parasites and IT consultants I think I `d slit my wrists so well done for being alive Ratty.

Sorry, Newmania, but –

GRAMMAR – A lefty conspiracy of which we have no need. (Although ironically GRAMMAR SCHOOLS are the backbone of the country).

CIVIL SERVANT is an overgrown politics student who spends half his working week dialling phonesex at the public expense and the other off sick; a

That is a Policeman-A civil servant is a gibbering insomniac clutching reports advising an exit strategy for Iraq , that tax credits would flop and that almost every New Labour target would backfire , usually carries mobile phone scars if he is not actually hounded to death. He is a goody.

53. British Stuntman

Hilariously, Newmania’s response to allegations that his hastily-assembled grab-bag of groundless bigotries was “sub literate” is, in itself, sub-literate.

Au Contraire
Grammar – as in descriptive Grammar , an essential tool of psycho-political discourse analysis ( refer Noam Chomsky and OK people to quote generally )
Grammar School- Source of elitists establishment exploiters since gratifyingly replaced by Public school socialists and privately tutored Millibands

Hilariously British Stuntman , has misread a faint gesture at the free floating phrases of a dictionary definition as incomplete Grammar. Much further hilarity will now ensue as he ponders for hours before daring to chance another elephantine essay at wit in what is presumably his second Language . Expect the perspiring over worked correctness of Huree Jamset Ram Singh, Nabob of Shanipur……….

( Do you people, ever actually say anything ? )

Here’s my response. A little long, I’m afraid, so I posted it elsewhere.


“Do you people, ever actually say anything?”

No, we’re too busy hugging trees, and Muslims. Actually if you look on any other thread on Liberal Conspiracy, you’ll find some people saying some things. That’s what we do on our days off.

Heresiarch has some good ones; it’s nice to be reminded that some right-wingers can be funny after all. Best so far is:

BLAIR, TONY: Traitor, warmonger, secretly a Tory. “Bliar”. Should be put on trial for war crimes. Tony was the best leader we ever had. His resignation was a tragedy.

FEMINIST – member of an evil cabal of man-hating lesbians led by HARRIET HARPERSON and other influential NU LAB wimmin (along with their puppet mistress BINDEL). FEMINISTS don’t want equality but female supremacy; they actively promote discrimination against INDIGENOUS MIDDLE CLASS men and believe it’s ok to KILL babies. It’s thanks to the FEMINISATION of this ONCE GREAT COUNTRY that everything’s GOING TO HELL IN A HANDCART, with feckless-BINGE-drinking-single-mother-DOLE-SCUM spawning multitudes of FATHERless FERAL VERMIN. If the PC FEMNAZI BRIGADE think women over here have it so bad, they should all go and live in Saudi Arabia and see how the MUSLIMS treat their womenfolk.

FEMINISTS don’t want equality but female supremacy

They are to be given active prefferrment under Harriet`s new “Equality” legislation. How do you explain that to working man trying to support a family who is thereby unemployed ? Why middle-class especially ? The problem with this “satirical” jocularity is that it starts to consist of saying things that are so obviously true they are bound to have been often said .
Why the hell should divorce courts assume the preminent position of the woman as carer ,when employers are legally bound to consider her claim for a job more than equal to a man`s . This is way out of line with the country which is beggining to see ( say recent surveys ) that anti male legislation has been harmful to the majority.

/……and come to think of it why is it ok for Yasmin Alibi for Brown to tell us how fabulous Muslims are for years and then marry a white middleclass Englisman ?

* tumbleweed *

Sorry, did newmania say anything intelligent? Thought not.

Nice on Cath 😉

Oh dear – more proof that the Left does not do humour, but more worryingly , little of it fits in with the real world anyway.

Let’s take a couple of samples

I know no right-wing git of any hue who has any feeling for Bush apart from deep loathing. Oh, and he was elected president because the Muslims of Florida voted over 90% for his conservative values and against the liberal Gore.

Brilliant on the Amsterdam sex trade (he once put himself in a brothel window to see how it felt – very bad) – with AA Gill, described modern prostiution as poor third world people servicing fat Brits and Germans and did so in much better prose than I’ve seen on this website. Clarkson is a genius, get over it. Has also written eloquently against the Bush/Blair adventures.

Oh I give up – this is crap. Perhaps the author of this dire list could do one enumerating all the social views George Bush shares with the Muslim Council of Britain – now that would be funny…

Sorry, did newmania say anything intelligent? Thought not.

Nice on Cath 😉

Perhaps Cath does not need you to hold her quivering little hand Sunny , for all we know she may be capable of defending herself ( although to be fair I doubt it ) . You do not feel the need to offer a patronising pat on the head to male commenters though which goes to show ,you can take the Sunny out of the patriarchal misogynist community but you can`t …. etc.
Hey has your mum made your tea yet … ?

Clarkson is a genius, get over it.

This is a definition of genius I’ve previously been unaware of, that is, a slipshod wannabe demagogue with a pre-occupation with homo-eroticism. I’ll get over him being a genius when he gets over his fixation with male homosexuality.

TROLL: Anyone who asks a question that I cannot or dare not answer.

ABUSE: Any comment that threatens or runs counter to my position.

COWARD: Any author of an anonymous comment not in my favour.

OBSESSIVE: Anyone who won’t piss off after the first brush-off.

STALKER: See above. (Also: person I have been making nuisance phone calls to.)

LIAR: See all above. (Also: person who has repeatedly caught me lying.)

MOB: Shorthand for any mobilised group without me as their leader.

UGLY MOB: Shorthand for any mobilised group without me as their leader that’s heading in my general direction.

VISITS: Visitors.

Oh and hi Cath and hi Sunny – there are increasingly few reasons for fluttering to Comment is Free, and here are two of them – isn’t cyberspace getting awful small these days?

68. Bootyboomboom

VOWEL ANTON – Extreme left-wing ignoramus who likes to distract himself and others from the uncomfortably obvious failures of liberalism by mischaracterising conservatives and misrepresenting their opinions. Very out-of-touch e.g. think’s that only white people are afraid of crime. Tries to be funny but nobody’s really laughing.

69. Bootyboomboom

Sorry got your name wrong.

APOSTROPHE: Versatile garnish, suitable for any word or sentence.

Indeed, Edwin, we are like fish trapped in few interconnecting rockpools when the tide goes out.

Oooooh! Anton ruffled a few feathers, didn’t he?

They just can’t take a wee bit o’ jibbing, can they?

Oh, and Newmania; the others are right, your grammar *is* appalling. Now do go and troll somewhere else. Ciao!

I think that some are taking a rather mallet-like parody a little too seriously. Yes, many of them are ludicrously overblown and that’s presumably why they won’t replace Chris Morris is the scheduling.


I wonder where he got the idea…


Choice extracts…

“Palestinians – archetype ‘victims’ no matter how many teenagers they murder in bars and fast food outlets. Never responsible for anything they do – or done in their name – because of ‘root causes’ or ‘legitimate grievances’.”

“Islamophobic – anyone who objects to having their transport blown up on the way to work.”

Hi Hersiarch – us and the crabs and the jellyfish, and the sad wee anemones waving their tentacles in the water.

What a shite list it is – yours is much better!

What a shite list it is

Hardly. If it was indeed shite, it wouldn’t have got so many rightwingers in a huff. You are a touchy bunch, aren’t you?

These right-wingers can’t take a joke eh?

Oh Sunny dear my sides are splitting – stop it!

Montgomery Burns has just given the real list on the Simpsons –

‘ I’m not the thief; the government is. Every year you make hardworking Joes like my reporter friend pay income taxes. And for what? Aid to ungrateful foreigners, do-nothing nuclear missiles, tomb polish for some unknown soldier.’

@Bensix: Thanks for the link (‘Collective Interest’ is basically a place I cut ‘n’ paste stuff I find funny to).

@john b: No thanks for the comment. P*ss off.

I should add, ‘Collective Interest’ was also intended as a (rather inadequate, TBH) response to Speak You’re Branes. Some of you might like said blog, if you haven’t heard of it already.

As a right winger, I find this list funny. I don’t know why people are getting upset about it. Calm down Newmania.

Hmm – Rumbold, as someone who believes that increasingly scare resources should be shared, I must be a leftwinger, but I find the list dismally unfunny!

Agree that no one should get upset about it, though. I can’t imagine that anyone here is really upset – if they are, from whatever angle, then the poor dears need help.


Anyone who didnt laugh at bits of it must have lungs of stone (or whatever organ is used to laugh).

Rumbold – OK, I concede bits of it were sort of Curate’s-eggish funny, but as a whole – lummee, I would cross the street to avoid the man who wrote it. Some of the responses have been quite funny i suppose, and I am a grouch anyway.

I’ll get over him being a genius when he gets over his fixation with male homosexuality

Justin that is sooo gay. The key with Clarkson is to understand he is not PJ O’Rourke ,he is Esther Ranthzen for the menopausal man. That way you will less threatened (or excited ? )

Oh, and Newmania; the others are right, your grammar *is* appalling. Now do go and troll somewhere else. Ciao!

What next , fashion tips from a tramp ,capice ?

To be fair, Newmania offers many barriers to intelligent discussion, but the constant failure to write complete and correct sentences is the least offensive of them.

That said, it’s a fair bet that someone is bashing the keyboard when they can’t spell their own damn name.

Fantastic list.

@ QT – sorry, I kind-of assumed that by setting up a blog and opening comments on it, you were inviting comments. Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

There is one rather obvious one you missed –


91. Stephen Rouse

Slightly delayed response to passer-by, but I’ve been away

HAYEK, FRIEDRICH von – Trickle-down theory with equations

FREEDOM – The ability to do whatever you are able to afford. A basic human right, to deny which is tyranny.

MONEY – What you need to be able to utilize your FREEDOM. Not a basic human right, to assert which is tyranny.

You lot speak as if the liberal loony left are incapable of cliche, bigotry and stereotyping. For example
“Daily Mail reader” (or, hilariously, Daily Hate Mail) reader – Anyone who disagrees with me.

Fan-bloody-tastic. I loved it .

You’re quite right Choller21. Only Guardian readers would call people Daily Mail readers.

Hehe, the Guardian were obviously proud of their mention. CiF rated this glossary as the best thing on the internet today.

BLOG: A technologically advanced secret weapon with which NORMAL PEOPLE can defeat the MEDIA, whose use has only ever been mastered by CONSERVATIVES. Or an infallible mark of EXTREMISM, demonstrating clearly that the LEFT is WEIRD. Depends which side it’s on.

COMPETITIVE SPORT: Introducing as much of this into SCHOOLS as possible will solve all the problems of BROKEN BRITAIN, by forcing the FERAL YOUTH to progressively improve their STANDARDS and do better in EXAMS.

EXAMS: The ultimate purpose of SCHOOLS, a form of test which is known to become progressively easier with time. It is incumbent on the young to do better in their EXAMS come what may, but any rise in the percentage of them doing so is a sign of the decline of STANDARDS. EXAMS must have become easier, because the FERAL YOUTH frequently pass them, despite being unable to improve their STANDARDS by participating in COMPETITIVE SPORT. EXAMS are always too easy, except when the Government decides to make them more difficult as in 2002, in which case a SCANDAL occurs.

TALKING POINTS: They don’t exist! Did I mention that TALKING POINTS don’t exist? Oh look, Praguetory just said that TALKING POINTS don’t exist! And so does Iain Dale!

Quick note to say that over at mailwatch we made a Daily Mail Dictionary, similar sorta thing.

Link: http://bigdaddymerk.co.uk/mailwatch/forum/viewtopic.php?t=765

Oh, and look – Tim Worstall just added a post entitled ‘TALKING POINTS don’t exist’ to his spam blog!

100. douglas clark

Oh, I bloody love FERAL YOUTH. I assure you that from now on I shall argue exclusively on the basis that our youth are feral. And that includes all of you under fifties! And Madonna. ‘Cause she’s a pretendy teenager.


101. Geodesic Malarkey

Apologies if I missed them but I believe you’ve omitted both AL-BEEB and AL-GUARDIAN, reflecting their dhimmitude and complicity in constructing the worldwide Caliphate. And a GUARDIAN READER is more commonly denoted as a GUARDIANISTA in line with their far left leanings.

Also recently spotted was the name McSTALIN (Gordon Brown, obviously…)

102. Hoots McGilligan

What about ISLAMOPHOBIC – a handy catch all used by religious bigots to shut up criticisms of barbarity.

103. Cheesy Monkey

ANGELIC – General catch-all term for pretty, middle-class white girls (cf. MADDIE; MADELEINE) under the age of consent.

104. Cheesy Monkey

LONDONISTAN – terrifying world-wide capital of evil; a nightmare MULTICULTI vision of a less INDIGENOUS, more ISLAMOFACIST capital city.

SPONGER – Anyone who earns less than me.

SCROUNGER – Anyone who earns less than me and has the temerity to complain about it.

HARD-WORKING TAXPAYERS – People like me who don’t quite earn enough to avoid tax.

ENTREPRENEUR – Salt of the earth, spreading wealth and riches to all HARD-WORKING TAXPAYERS through the miracle of TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS.

PAEDO – 1) Ugly-looking socially inept middle-aged man; 2) Ugly-looking socially inept middle-aged man who’s close to his mum; 3) Unstoppable boy-buggering machine clandestinely abetted by NULABORE.

SPORTSMEN/WOMEN – Olympic athletes.

PRIMADONNAS – Premiership footballers.

NATIONAL SOCIALISTS – Socialists. Hitler and Attlee, sitting in a tree…

Well well.

This is one self-satisfied carnival of smugness isn’t it.

106. Woobegone

Liberal Conspiracy, or the internet in general?

WHAT’S NEXT? – Why, a veritable tidle-wave of reactionary rhetoric, of course.


109. lefty lefty shutty uppy

Well well, looks like you self satisfied philistines have compunded a list of common LEFT WING stereotypes circulated by the liberal media with the express intent of furthering the erosion of independant (ie not leftist) thought. How does it feel to be responsible for the death of western civilisation? And last time I checked all the goverment jobs were advatised in the back of THE GURDIAN, so its left wing people who have been running this delighful autoriatian debarcle you call new labour. 42 days, PC and of course British participation in two illegal wars can thus be balmed on LEFT WING GURDIAN readers. Hey, on the upside this is the last time you fellows can win an election. Afterall, its not as if conservative islamic and hindu populations are going to vote for people with no values at all. See you in hell (I am a right wing athiest) altohugh as a teenager it will be a while for me.

And remember: Multicultaralsim may well mean the end of British culture, but its the liberals and lefties that will suffer first. Talk about snapping the hand that feeds you. Enjoy the future, it belongs to the Right.

How does it feel to be responsible for the death of western civilisation?

When did you stop beating your wife?

111. Cheesy Monkey

SOCIAL WORKERS: Terrifying army of child abductors and murderers based at various LOONY LEFT councils in LONDONISTAN and elsewhere

BABY P: Totemic figure that explains the failure of SOCIALISM and short-term newspaper sales spikes. Fortunately died months before joining the hooded ranks of FERAL YOUTH

POLITICS OF ENVY – an argument-winning one-liner, which can be applied to any dispute you may have with the PC BRIGADE. Instantly trumps any call for equal rights, as there simply is no retort to to it.


CHRISTIAN VALUES: Catch-all term that implies Jesus said ‘Blessed are the rich, the male white heterosexuals, nuclear power, car owners, Margaret Thatcher and George W Bush’.

FOOTBALL: Was saved in 1992 by Rupert Murdoch and Sky, who cleansed the freeloading working class hooligans out of the game.

POLITICS STUDENTS: Commie workshy freeloaders who are taking loans and building up huge debts, out of my taxes. (cf THE GREAT UNWASHED)

This one is more topical now, as the credit crunch has taken a turn for the worse since this article was first posted in August:

DE-REGULATED FINANCIAL MARKETS: Imposed by that evil Marxist, Gordie McHaggis, that has robbed me of my pension. Wish Maggie was still in charge. She wouldn’t have done this.

FRED GOODWIN: Greedy thief. But not as greedy as those scrounging immigrants, single mothers, and luxury cruise-taking Labour MPs.

SAVERS: Prudent heroes.

BORROWERS: The devil incarnate.

PRIVATE SCHOOL – evil, EVIL bastion of UNFAIR privelige. Where the WHITE Establishment is trained.

TAXES – natural property of the GOVERNMENT, which will use the taxes to make everything BETTER and more DIVERSE.

DIVERSITY – fantastic, superb. You don’t like diversity? You must be a RACIST.

RACIST – person that votes Conservative.

MEAT – murder.

MURDER – not murder, just an unfortunate misdemeanour committed by misunderstood people that probably grew up in POVERTY.

POVERTY – the Worst Thing Ever. There is so much poverty in Britain. Just the other day I saw a sweet young boy of 16 driven to mug another one because he couldn’t afford an ipod! Woe, woe, woe.

INEQUALITY – as bad as poverty. Cos, like, even if you’re better off than most human beings ever in history, it’s unbearable to watch cleverer people make more money than you.

THE STATE – the all-encompassing, all-knowing, omniscient benign being. The State knows All and It will make everything BETTER.

PROGRESS – when things get BETTER, when they are PROGRESSIVE.

WORKING CLASS – the PEOPLE, who must rise and overthrow the capitalist scum. We love the PEOPLE except when they speak their mind on subjects like the death penalty and immigration. This is the PEOPLE being misguided.

CAPITALISM – finished, thanks to the credit crunch. We know f*ck all about economics but it looks to us as if capitalism is dead and WAS MARX RIGHT? Cos if I ask a rhetorical question like that, it must be true.

Oh and

OBAMA – ooohhhhh… excuse me, I think I need to CHANGE my underpants.

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